Today is Wednesday March 7, 2018. On Monday evening I broke my ankle in three places. I had surgery Tuesday morning and have been hanging out at the hospital since then. I have intentionally spent most of my time here mulling over my life and life in general. I imagine most people find themselves in the same internal conversation during traumatic times. Debating what’s valuable in their lives, maybe what they could’ve done to prevent their current struggle or fearing the future.
I’ve cried a lot these past two days. Some tears during X-rays when my ankle had to be moved into positions that hurt beyond what I could’ve imagined. Some when I looked at my husband and realized I felt like a burden (not his doing, just lies in my own head). Some when friends showed up or texted because kindness can be overwhelming and feel undeserved. A lot of tears that felt unexplainable with no specific cause but a very genuine and strong emotion.
I’m not a big crier. I usually default to sarcasm during tough and painful times. I find cussing to be helpful and sometimes yelling loudly out of frustration. I have spent a decent amount of time doing that although I’ve tried to keep my voice down since I’m in a hospital. I’m also not a physically or mentally weak human. I’ve skated since I was four years old (I’m 38 currently). I’ve worked out doing Crossfit for almost five years (with a small break due to some back issues). I’ve ran half marathons and 25k trail races. I have a full back covered in tattoos and I’ve given birth.
To be in this position is shocking to me. I would have never imagined to get injured skating. To top it off, when I broke my ankle, we weren’t moving fast or hitting hard and in fact, the level of aggressiveness of my break doesn’t even closely match the aggressiveness of what I was doing. But here I am. Two plates and nine screws later.
I have felt compelled to write a blog for some time now. I wrote most of my young life and then stopped as I got older and ran out of time (stopped making the time). I figure now is a better time than any because I will be just laying around reflecting on life for a while. To be clear, this blog will not be specifically about roller derby or this injury. What I feel and have felt like sharing is more about my life and life in general. The hardships we endure and the strength that is birthed in those experiences. The kindness I’ve seen well up out of people during struggles. The human I have become and seen others become during some of the scariest and seemingly hardest days.
I believe that I have something valuable to share with this world. I pray I can encourage and inspire others. I hope I can open conversations that may be tough and that my blog is a safe space for me to process things and others to heal as well. I welcome all comments and questions. I am an open book!