I’m finally almost 48 hours off of pain meds. My brain is beginning to feel like my own. I think I remember things more clearly. I at least don’t feel so led by my emotions. It’s crazy the amount of drugs I was on for the last week; Diluadid, Fentanyl, Oxycodone, Roxycodone, Flexeril, Torodal and some other things I can’t recall. Sometimes it’s shocking to me that I used to choose to be high on every drug possible and now, I hate being absent from my life, even when I’m in pain.
The clarity in my head made way for my grit to begin shining through. The part of me that is tougher than my pain, braver than my fears, more confident than my doubts. Yes, using crutches to go upstairs still made me cringe but my insides refused to feel defeated today. I refused to listen to the voice in my head that wants me to believe that I am weak.
I AM NOT WEAK!!
I have endured worse things, harsher discomforts and longer seasons of suffering than this and I will not give in to the sadness and uncertainty. It is a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like one. It always is. Feelings are so tricky because they convince you that things are permanent, they cause you to believe you’re justified, they encourage actions that often times we regret. They can slow you down and hinder progress and in times of struggle, I find they can be the last thing to guide you.
I am sure I will cry many more times through this process. Sometimes it’s hard to completely halt emotions. I don’t believe I should completely shut out every emotion anyway. What I do know is that I will pick myself up, wipe my tears, and push. I will believe in miraculous healings because I know they can happen. I will believe in my ability to have a “normal” ankle because why shouldn’t I? Some days, maybe someone will need to remind me of my strength. Some days, I am certain I will need a nudging. Some days, it will hurt to push and that voice in my head will try to convince me to quit BUT I won’t. That’s not who I am.
If you knew me in my twenties, I wasn’t so tough. I looked for an easier way out of every situation. I felt defeated always and let my emotions run every aspect of my life. I had no control over myself. I made tons of decisions that only added to my pain. I found myself hopeless often and I never understood how to hold my head high in tough times.
I’m not bragging. Its not vain to speak the truth. I am not who I used to be. Some may call it personal growth and development, like I manufactured this change on my own. I accept that belief system but I call it my God. The God who I cling to, who has changed me from the inside out and who continues to create in me a new person. He is the one who is healing me. He is the one who gives me strength. He gave me my grit and He is my hope. Now, this isn’t going to become a Jesus blog but He will be included because He is a HUGE part of my story.
He is the person who taught me to base my decisions on facts, not feelings. That has been one of the hardest but truest things I could ever learn. Every day, in every situation, no matter how hard it is, it’s always a choice.