I don’t really have insomnia….. I don’t think. It’s 3:45am EST. I’ve been awake for 45ish minutes. I find myself doing this more often than not lately. I go to bed early (10:30pm) with intentions of sleeping eight hours and instead, I’m wide awake five hours later.
My immediate reaction is unfortunately to scroll the internet. I catch up on all social media outlets, double tap everything, read the news headlines, emails, check my eBay sales, bank account and then do it again. Sometimes I find myself on amazon or Facebook marketplace and a purchase is made (it’s awful and scary really).
When I have finally exhausted every possible mindless exchange, I sit. I stare into the darkness of my room. I listen to the sound of my husbands heavy breathing. The blue light of the TV power button distracts me for a bit. I get lost in the buzz of the fan we keep on. And I wonder if I’m awake for some real reason. Is something on my mind? Did I not eat enough food? Am I thirsty? Why do I have to use the restroom? Do I have diabetes (I know that ones not true but still, my mind goes to weird places).
With all of the trauma from my broken ankle and the pain my nervous system endured, is there something unsettled in me? Did something shift when that car drove through the house I was sleeping in and is my body still on high alert? Is there something on my mind that I need to wrestle with and resolve? Is my God trying to speak to me and I’m too busy trolling Instagram to hear Him?
Sometimes I imagine I actually get out of bed, take my dog for a midnight stroll and watch the sunrise. That there’s something I’m supposed to be experiencing in this timeframe when most of the city is asleep. That never happens. I never get dressed. I don’t go outside. Sometimes I feel an urging to just pray for hours but I haven’t found myself doing that either. And then I think about what would happen if I found the motivation to go outside or to drop to my knees. What possible revelation is waiting for me. I envision a holy interaction that changes my life. An encounter with God and the earth, that gives me clarity and insight into my whole existence. Yet I’m still in bed, blogging.
Why is it sometimes we feel the urge to do what we believe might be the life changing action we’ve been desiring yet we lay in bed and do nothing? I keep thinking if I just lay here a bit longer, my eyes will flutter and I will begin to sleep again yet I know I’m not tired. Why avoid destiny or what I perceive as a portion of my destiny? I mean, maybe I’m overthinking this and my brain isn’t working well because of the interruptions in my sleep OR maybe there is some discovery to be received and I’m being tricked into dismissing it.
So I’m gonna sit in this silence, and for the first time, ask for what I’m supposed to receive and just see what happens. If you wake up and the world is different, #yourewelcome.